The Silent Treatment: Stonewalling, Influence, and Power in Relationships

Silent treatment, also known as stonewalling, is a common behaviour in relationships where one partner withdraws from communication, refusing to engage or acknowledge the other. This can leave the affected partner feeling isolated, ignored, and powerless. To truly understand the dynamics of silent treatment, we must explore its relationship with influence and power in the context of interpersonal relationships.

What is Stonewalling?

Stonewalling is the act of refusing to communicate or express emotions, effectively shutting down the interaction. According to Gottman and Levenson (2002), stonewalling is one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in relationships, signalling serious communication breakdowns that can lead to a relationship’s demise. This behaviour manifests in various forms from avoiding eye contact to using monosyllabic responses or completely ignoring the partner.

The Power Dynamics of Stonewalling

Silent treatment is not just about the absence of communication; it’s about power and control. When one partner uses stonewalling, they exert control over the flow and direction of the interaction. This creates an imbalance of power, as the stonewaller dictates when, how, and if communication will resume. Not only that, but the absence of communication prevents any attempts that the partner makes to influence the relationship or get their needs and wants met. These power dynamics can be deeply unsettling for the partner on the receiving end, making them feel subordinate and powerless.

Stonewalling as Domestic Abuse

Stonewalling can also be considered a form of domestic abuse. When used intentionally, it serves as a method of psychological manipulation and control, aiming to punish or demean the other partner. This abusive behaviour erodes the victim’s self-esteem and sense of self-worth, ensnaring them in a pattern of emotional distress and fear. Recognising stonewalling as domestic abuse underscores the severity of its impact and the necessity for intervention and support for those affected.

Influence in Relationships

Influence in relationships is the ability to affect the thoughts, feelings, and behaviours of a partner in some way. John Gottman’s explains that “accepting influence” refers to the ability of each partner in a relationship to value and consider the opinions, perspectives, and needs of their partner. According to research by Kipnis (1976), influence can be exercised through various tactics, such as persuasion, negotiation, and even coercion. Stonewalling is a passive-aggressive form of influence. It subtly forces the other partner to submit or change their stance to restore communication. This implicit demand for conformity can pressure the affected partner into compromising their needs and desires to regain a sense of normalcy in the relationship.

Psychological Impact on the Recipient

The silent treatment can have profound psychological effects on the recipient. A study by Sommer, Williams, Ciarocco, and Baumeister (2001) found that being ostracised, even for short periods, can lead to feelings of worthlessness, low self-esteem, and helplessness. In a relationship, these feelings can be amplified, leading to anxiety and depression in the person being stonewalled.

The impact of this power imbalance is significant. The partner who is being ignored might start to question their worth and place within the relationship. The lack of communication can lead to a feeling of being invisible, unimportant, and disconnected. This sense of powerlessness can erode self-confidence and lead to a heightened state of anxiety, as the affected partner might constantly worry about the stability of the relationship and their own emotional security.

Motivations Behind Stonewalling

Stonewalling can be used by individuals for a variety of reasons, often rooted in their emotional and psychological state. Some people might resort to silent treatment when they feel overwhelmed or unable to cope with intense emotions, using withdrawal as a self-protective mechanism to avoid further conflict. For others, stonewalling may be a response to fear or social anxiety, where the act of disengaging serves as a way to manage anxiety about the interaction. In some cases, individuals may use stonewalling as a deliberate tactic to exert control and manipulate the dynamics of the relationship. Understanding the underlying motivations can help both partners address the behaviour more effectively and work towards healthier communication patterns.

The Concept of Flooding

Flooding is a term used to describe a situation where an individual feels emotionally overwhelmed, often leading to stonewalling as a coping mechanism. When someone experiences flooding, their ability to process information and respond rationally is compromised. This heightened state of emotional arousal can make it difficult to continue the conversation, prompting the individual to shut down and withdraw.

Breaking the Cycle

Addressing and overcoming stonewalling requires understanding and mutual effort. Here are some steps that can help:

1. Self-Awareness: Recognise when stonewalling is occurring. Both partners need to be aware of their communication patterns and the impact of their actions.
2. Open Communication: Create a safe space for open and honest dialogue. Express feelings without blame, focusing on how behaviours affect each other.
3. Therapy: Professional help can provide tools and strategies to manage and overcome stonewalling. According to Baucom, Epstein, Kirby, and LaTaillade (2010), couples therapy can be highly effective in addressing communication issues and power imbalances.
4. Self-Soothing: Practice techniques to calm yourself when you start to feel overwhelmed. Deep breathing, mindfulness, and taking a brief break from the conversation can help manage emotional flooding and prevent stonewalling.
5. Empathy and Patience: Building empathy and practising patience are crucial. Understanding your partner’s perspective can foster a more supportive and cooperative environment.

Empowering the Affected Partner

For the partner experiencing the silent treatment, regaining a sense of power and influence is essential. Here are some empowering strategies:

• Set Boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries regarding acceptable communication practices. Let your partner know that stonewalling is not an acceptable way to handle conflict.
• Seek Support: Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist who can provide emotional support and guidance.
• Self-Care: Engage in activities that boost your self-esteem and well-being. Prioritise your mental and emotional health.

Silent treatment is a powerful tool that can deeply affect the dynamics of a relationship. It shifts the balance of power, influencing the other partner through passive withdrawal, leaving them feeling powerless and unheard. However, recognising this behaviour and actively working to improve communication can help restore balance and strengthen the relationship.

By fostering understanding, patience, and open dialogue, couples can overcome the challenges posed by stonewalling, ensuring that both partners feel heard, valued, and respected.

References
Baucom, D. H., Epstein, N., Kirby, J. S., & LaTaillade, J. J. (2010). Cognitive-behavioral couple therapy. In K. S. Dobson (Ed.), Handbook of cognitive-behavioral therapies (pp. 423-456). Guilford Press.
Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2002). A two-factor model for predicting when a couple will divorce: Exploratory analyses using 14-year longitudinal data. Family Process, 41(1), 83-96.
Kipnis, D. (1976). The powerholders. University of Chicago Press.
Sommer, K. L., Williams, K. D., Ciarocco, N. J., & Baumeister, R. F. (2001). When silence speaks louder than words: Explorations into the intrapsychic and interpersonal consequences of social ostracism. Basic and Applied Social Psychology, 23(4), 225-243.