Doing well, but told to speak more: What quieter people told us about secondary school

Some comments from school stay with you for years. One person who took part in our research remembered parents’ evenings where teacher after teacher said much the same thing: they were doing well, but needed to speak more in class. Another remembered getting good grades while school reports kept returning to how quiet they were and how much more they needed to participate.

These memories come from research Ellie carried out with Quiet Connections in 2023 while studying psychology. People who considered themselves quieter were invited to tell us about secondary school, while a separate questionnaire gathered the perspectives of people who had worked in schools. 

The surveys were small and self-selected, and some respondents were adults looking back many years. Their experiences were not all alike. Some remembered school positively; others described loneliness, bullying, being overlooked or finding particular situations difficult. They cannot tell us what school is like for every quiet young person, but they can help us look more closely at what we sometimes assume from the outside. 

When quiet becomes the thing people know about you

Ellie has written before about an exercise she did at primary school. Each child had a photograph on a sheet of paper and classmates added words around it to describe them.

When Ellie looked at hers, the same word appeared again and again: quiet. Her best friend had written friendly, and Ellie remembers wondering where all the other parts of her had gone. She was imaginative, loved writing stories and had plenty of interests and ideas, yet quietness was what people seemed to notice first. You can read more in Ellie’s story.

Similar experiences appeared in the school questionnaire. Some people remembered being asked why they were so quiet or whether they ever spoke. One described going through school feeling as though there was a large “shy” label attached to them.

Being noticed as quiet is not necessarily a problem. Many of us at Quiet Connections value our quieter nature. It becomes more limiting when quietness starts to stand in for everything else there is to know about somebody.

A pupil may say very little in one lesson and talk constantly with a close friend. Another may be thoughtful and engaged but genuinely prefer listening. Yet quieter pupils can grow up hearing versions of the same encouragement: speak up more, join in, answer more quickly, come out of your shell, be more confident.

The intention may not be unkind. If confidence is repeatedly described through how visible or verbal somebody becomes, though, a quieter young person can easily hear a different message: the way you are now is something you should be growing out of.

Having an answer and saying it are not always the same thing

In an earlier piece of Quiet Connections research, we asked students who felt anxious about speaking what happened in conversations, classes and other situations where they wanted to contribute.

Some described listening first and only then beginning to form a response. By the time they were ready, the conversation had moved on. Others knew what they wanted to say but lost their words when attention turned towards them, or rushed and gave a much shorter answer than the one they had been thinking about.

The words able to, being able to and not able to appeared repeatedly across those responses.

That distinction is easy to miss. Sometimes a pupil is quiet because they are happy listening. Sometimes someone will freeze up and be unable to find the words. At other times, the thought is there and the difficulty is getting it into the conversation quickly enough. 

Grace has written about this from her own school days. During a GCSE English group discussion, she found it hard to get herself into the conversation. When her teacher began directing questions towards her, she could answer them. She knew the material; entering the discussion without an opening was harder for her at that time. You can read Grace’s reflections in Speaking in groups as a shy student: What I’d like teachers to understand.

A teacher can see who puts their hand up and hear who answers immediately. It is much harder to see the thought that somebody has not yet found a way to express. 

Quiet pupils can be easy to miss

Some quieter pupils in Ellie’s research were getting on with their work, following the rules and achieving good grades. In a busy classroom, there may be little to draw a teacher’s attention towards them.

One former teacher described realising, a year or two into teaching, how naturally their attention could go towards noisier pupils. After that, they made a deliberate effort to notice quieter students too. Without it, they said, those pupils could “disappear” in a classroom.

Another member of school staff remembered rarely putting their hand up as a pupil and finding presentations and debates difficult. Some teachers did not even know their name, despite their good grades. Grace has written about similar experiences in Dear teachers… please get to know your quiet students.

A quieter pupil may be doing well and feeling perfectly comfortable at school. They may also be finding some parts of school harder than anyone realises. Good grades and good behaviour do not tell us which is true; we need to know more about the person than that.

The same classroom approach can land very differently

One of the more interesting tensions appeared when we looked across the student and staff responses.

A member of school staff described calling on pupils who had not volunteered an answer, sometimes known as cold-calling. In their school, this was intended to make participation less dominated by the same confident pupils and to give quieter students a way into the discussion.

Some former pupils remembered unexpected questioning very differently. Having attention suddenly turn towards them could leave them freezing or unable to say what they knew. 

These were not the same pupils or classrooms, so the research cannot tell us that one account disproves the other. In fact, Grace’s experience shows why it is worth resisting simple rules: a direct question from her teacher gave her an opening into a discussion she could not easily enter for herself.

Someone else may need warning or thinking time. Another pupil may find it easier to write an answer first or discuss it one-to-one before sharing more openly. Staff respondents suggested possibilities such as mini-whiteboards too, while one flute teacher described music as a way some quieter pupils could express themselves without relying on lots of words.

The useful question is probably not what technique works for quiet pupils? It is what helps this pupil take part in a way that works for them? 

Relationships came up again and again

When respondents talked about what helped at school, other people were often part of the answer.

For some, one close friend changed the experience considerably. Sitting beside somebody familiar could make a lesson easier, while losing an important friendship could change school in the opposite direction. One respondent said that friendship was the part of school that had helped them most.

Teachers mattered too, particularly when they noticed the individual rather than only the quietness. One person remembered that “quiet praise which didn’t draw attention to me” worked particularly well for them. Others valued teachers who knew them, noticed their work or made it easier to get help without turning it into a public event.

That last point is worth noticing because asking for help can itself be difficult. In our earlier speaking research, some students described staying stuck rather than drawing attention to themselves with a question. A pupil who does not ask for anything is not necessarily a pupil who never needs anything. 

There is no single quiet-student experience

Quietness, introversion, sensitivity, shyness and experiencing social anxiety can overlap, but they are not different names for the same experience.

A teenager with two close friends may be completely happy with two close friends. A pupil may enjoy listening in lessons and have no wish to speak more often. Somebody else may badly want to ask a question, contribute to a discussion or make another friend and find that difficult.

Ellie’s research included people who enjoyed school and people who hated it, pupils who felt understood and others who felt overlooked. That variation is important. If we decide what a young person’s quietness means before getting to know them, we may miss what is actually going on.

Looking beyond how much somebody speaks

Much of what people described came down to fairly ordinary interactions: knowing a pupil’s name, noticing their interests, allowing a little time for an answer, and checking rather than assuming what their silence means.

It also means being careful with the idea that progress for a quieter pupil must be visible as more speaking. Sometimes speaking more is exactly what the young person wants. Sometimes it is not.

At Quiet Connections, we want quieter young people to have room to be themselves while also being able to take part in things that matter to them, in a way that honours their temperament. That is different from deciding in advance what a more ‘confident’ version of them ought to look like.

Our Young People’s Meet Ups in Liskeard are one place where young people can spend time with others without everybody being expected to participate in exactly the same way. We’ve previously explained what the Liskeard Young People’s Meet Ups will actually be like, here, if you would like the practical details first.

The Meet Ups are free for young people in Years 10–13, aged 14–18, and run on Fridays from 25th September to 4th December 2026, 6:45pm–8:45pm, in the Wheal Phoenix Room, Liskeard Public Hall, 3–5 West St, Liskeard, PL14 6BW.

You can also find the latest information on our Young People’s Meet Up page.