Belonging without having to become louder: what helps quieter young people connect?

When Ellie started secondary school, lunchtimes were difficult. For the first few weeks, she often ate on her own. She wanted somebody to talk to, but knowing that did not make it easy to approach another group and start a conversation.

Ellie has written about watching what was happening around her, wanting to join in and sometimes finding that the moment passed before she had worked out what to say. You can read more about that time in Ellie’s secondary school story.

That gap between wanting connection and knowing how to begin it has come up many times in our work at Quiet Connections. Someone can genuinely want to meet people and still spend a long time deciding whether to go to a new group, looking at photographs, wondering who else will be there or imagining those first few minutes after arriving. 

Wanting the connection does not necessarily make the beginning easy.

Sometimes the difficult part comes before the gathering

Back in 2015, before Quiet Connections existed, I carried out a small piece of online research with people aged under 20 who described themselves as introverted or shy, or as experiencing social anxiety. I was interested in what might make joining a group feel more possible.

The answers were surprisingly practical. One person wanted the chance to observe first. Another preferred a smaller group. Someone wanted to meet the people involved before deciding, while another suggested doing a social activity together rather than making conversation about difficulties the entire purpose of the group.

It was a tiny international sample gathered more than a decade ago, so I would not use it to tell us what teenagers in Liskeard want today. I have kept thinking about those responses because they drew attention to a part of connection that is easy to overlook: before somebody can get to know anyone, they first have to decide whether they can walk into the room.

A later focus group about university experiences and accessing support brought up some very similar details. People wanted to know where they were going and what the place would be like. Photographs and information beforehand could help, as could seeing the same person again and having informal ways to talk rather than everything beginning as a formal interaction. 

I was interested to find a related point in the University of Plymouth’s 2006 research into social anxiety and learning. The study involved university students, not secondary-school-aged young people, so there are limits to what we can take from it. One of the situations explored, though, was the challenge of entering a room where other people were already sitting down, and the researchers later recommended preparation and reducing unnecessary unknowns around situations that might feel socially demanding. 

Once a place is familiar, we barely think about which door we use or what happens when we arrive. Before a first visit, those little details can take up quite a lot of headspace. 

That is part of the reason we try to explain our Meet Ups in detail. Knowing who will be there, what the room looks like, what people tend to do and what happens when you first arrive will not remove every nervous feeling, but it gives somebody fewer things to guess. 

Being around people and feeling connected are not quite the same thing

We can spend plenty of time around other people without feeling especially connected to them. A full classroom, for example, does not automatically give somebody a sense of belonging.

Ellie’s school research included people who described having friends but not necessarily feeling well known within those friendships. Others talked about one or two close relationships making school much easier to be in.

While studying applied positive psychology, I became interested in research on mattering. Put simply, it is about feeling that we count to other people, that somebody notices us, is interested in us and values something we bring.

In everyday life, that might mean somebody remembering what you were drawing last week, asking how something you mentioned turned out, remembering how you like your tea, or knowing which game you usually choose. Over time, perhaps you become the person who notices something about them too. 

None of that requires a big moment of connection. Often it is familiarity building in fairly ordinary ways.

Sometimes “I don’t mind” is the easier answer

One response in Ellie’s school research has stayed with me for a different reason. The person described finding it difficult to share opinions or preferences because they worried about saying the wrong thing or drawing attention to themselves -and I could completely relate to them.  

“‘I don’t mind’ was probably what I said the most!” 

Sometimes we really do not mind. At other times, saying what we would prefer makes us a little more visible because it gives somebody something to know about us. A chance to judge us, even. 

Choice at a Meet Up can be very ordinary. It might mean deciding on an activity, choosing where to sit or joining a conversation because it happens to interest you. Those choices are small, but they mean the group does not only have one version of participation for everybody to fit into.

That does not mean quieter young people never want to do anything unfamiliar. Across our research, people have talked about wanting to make friends, speak when something matters to them, ask questions, join activities or try things they had previously avoided. Others were quite content with the amount of social contact they already had.

What somebody wants for themselves is more useful to know than what we assume a quiet person ought to want.

Having something to do can make the beginning feel different 

One suggestion from that early 2015 research was to meet through an activity rather than making conversation the whole point of being there. We have seen the value of that idea many times since, especially through our Pop Up Meet Ups.

Sitting opposite somebody you have never met with nothing to do except talk can feel quite exposed. Put a card game, drawing or something to make between you and the situation changes a little. There is something else to look at and a natural subject to comment on if you want one. 

Conversation may grow out of it. But so might a comfortable silence. 

Spending time quietly alongside somebody can still be part of growing a connection with them. A gathering does not have to begin with confidently introducing yourself around the room or immediately finding lots to say. 

Familiarity is easy to underestimate

There can be a lot of pressure wrapped up in the phrase making friends. New groups are sometimes described as though strangers arrive and friendships simply happen.

Most relationships in my own life have been much less immediate than that. There is usually a period when somebody is simply a familiar person: you recognise them the next time, later learn their name, and eventually discover that you both like something similar. Perhaps a close friendship develops. Perhaps you simply become people who are pleased to see one another.

That has value too.

Regular gatherings give familiarity a chance to develop without every interaction having to achieve something. On the second or third visit, the room itself is no longer new. Ellie is no longer somebody you have only seen in a photograph. A few faces may be recognisable and you already know roughly how the evening works.

There is less to start from scratch. 

We can think differently about the spaces we create

This is where the idea of belonging without having to become louder becomes important to us. 

For a long time, many quieter people have been encouraged to work on themselves: speak more, be more confident, get better at joining in. Sometimes we do want to become more able to do those things. I certainly have.

But that is only part of the picture.

We can also ask whether the spaces people are being invited into leave room for different ways of participating. Whether somebody can arrive without immediately performing sociability. Whether conversation is the only route into connection. Whether there is time for people to become familiar rather than expecting instant ease with strangers.

We do not think anyone should have to become louder to feel they belong somewhere.

That does not mean never changing, never stretching our comfort zones or never doing something uncomfortable. It means the starting assumption is not that quietness itself is what needs correcting. It doesn’t. 

What we are trying in Liskeard

This thinking sits behind our new Young People’s Meet Ups in Liskeard, alongside something much simpler that Ellie learnt from running the pilot in June.

She had originally imagined more guided activity. After trying the Meet Up, she felt the regular sessions would work better with more choice and less expectation that everybody would do the same thing together.

That is something we learnt from actually running the pilot and receiving feedback, rather than something we are claiming the research proves. We will learn more as the regular Meet Ups begin and young people make the space their own.

If you are wondering what coming along will actually involve, We’ve explained what our Liskeard Young People’s Meet Ups will be like, here, including what there will be to do and what you will not be expected to do.

The Meet Ups are for young people in Years 10–13, aged 14–18, who consider themselves to be quiet, introverted, shy or highly sensitive, or who experience social anxiety. They run on Fridays from 25th September to 4th December 2026, 6:45pm–8:45pm, in the Wheal Phoenix Room, Liskeard Public Hall, 3–5 West St, Liskeard, PL14 6BW, and they are free to attend.

A first visit will still be a first visit. We cannot know in advance who will become friends, who will prefer to sit quietly for a while, or what the group will eventually feel like. But, we can make it easier to know what you are walking into and tell you that quietude, anxiety and awkwardness are welcome with us. We give people enough time for some of the rest to develop naturally.

You can find the latest information on our Young People’s Meet Up page.