What you need to know about feeling socially anxious and suicidal thinking
How many people who feel socially anxious and not good enough have experienced suicidal thinking, or even attempts? If you saw us talking about the rise in suicide rates in Cornwall on Spotlight recently, you’ll know this is something that our own quiet community has experienced. In fact, a significant number of people involved with Quiet Connections have felt suicidal, with some even taking action on their dangerous thoughts.
Why is suicidal thinking such a problem amongst people who feel socially anxious?
The desire for suicide consists of two parts, according to various studies: a low sense of belonging and perceived burdensomeness. Together, these are a significant predictor of suicidal ideation – and they’re two states that people who feel socially anxious have a tendency to experience.
A low sense of belonging
We’re wired for connection. Connection gives us purpose and meaning to our lives. When we experience alienation from others and we don’t feel like an integral part of a group; we get the sense that we don’t belong.
People who feel socially anxious conceal aspects of themselves that they believe don’t fit our perceived societal norms. This might mean staying completely hidden, isolating from society. Or it could be that we stay quiet. We might filter what we say so much that we don’t say anything at all. We’re trying to protect ourselves the best we can.
In being self-protective, it’s not easy to make meaningful connections and feel like a valued part of something. You know that saying about feeling lonely in a room full of people? It’s like that. We can appear to be a part of something and still not feel as though we are.
Imagining our existence is a burden on family, friends or society, we might come to the conclusion that others would be better off without us around.
This is a pretty common feeling for people experiencing socially anxious feelings. When people join our quiet community, it’s clear that a lot of them are feeling this way. Many need encouragement to share their worries with anyone because they feel like they’ll be bothering others. We’re also incredibly apologetic as a group. This could be for something as simple as asking a question or wanting just a little of someone’s time – certainly not things that need apologising for.
In this video, I talk about my own suicide attempt and how I felt like I wasn’t good enough for anybody; I thought I would be doing everyone a favour if I wasn’t in their lives.
It boils down to the intensely painful feeling that we are unworthy of love and belonging. Shame arises in response to concern with our real or imagined acceptability in other people’s eyes.
When we believe that our characteristics and behaviours are unacceptable, we feel worthless, inferior and self-critical. We fear being exposed as flawed, believing it will result in us being rejected. So we try to hide. Or disappear. And we become disconnected.
Clearly our strategies to keep safe and avoid rejection aren’t working well for us. They’re taking us further from connection. But, in our minds, our options are limited. Sometimes, it’s the best we can do with what we think we know to be true.
Look at it this way… if you don’t believe you have the skills and attributes needed to climb Mount Everest, why would you arrive at the foot of the mountain with all the gear? You’d be convinced you were setting yourself up for failure, right? Maybe even certain death (which is as bad as rejection in our books). Wouldn’t you decide that it’s better to avoid the fear of the climb and the pain of failing and not climb Mount Everest at all?
Good job you can live a happy, fulfilling life without climbing Mount Everest, huh?
Hayley shares her personal stories of feeling shy, socially anxious, ‘not good enough’ and fearfully avoiding the good things in life. Growing her confidence through coaching, gradually stretching her comfort zone and connecting with others, she now uses everything she has learned to help other people grow their confidence in her role as a coach. Hayley is passionate about connecting people with similar stories and creating safe, supportive spaces to make friends and try new things. Hayley dreams of a time when all of the strengths, skills and goodness in ‘quiet’ is recognised and appreciated as readily as being bold, gregarious, and comfortable in the spotlight is right now.