The Fear of Rejection and the Search for Connection
Valentine’s Day can bring up mixed emotions. While it’s often associated with love and connection, it can also highlight feelings of loneliness or self-doubt. When surrounded by messages of romance, we may find ourselves questioning our worth or feeling as though meaningful connection is just out of reach.
Looking back, I can see how much I longed for connection, yet at the same time, I didn’t believe I was truly worthy of it. It wasn’t that others weren’t willing to accept me—it was that I struggled to accept myself. Fear of rejection led me to push people away before they could ever get too close.
From school days onwards, I instinctively dismissed any possibility that someone could genuinely be interested in me. If a boy asked me out, I assumed it must be a joke. If someone I secretly liked showed interest, I convinced myself they would soon realise their mistake. So I distanced myself, avoiding the risk of getting hurt.
This pattern followed me into adulthood. I wanted deep connection, yet part of me believed I wasn’t good enough to receive it. If someone showed me kindness or affection, I questioned their sincerity. If I started to feel close to someone, I withdrew, convinced that they would eventually see the ‘real me’ and leave. It felt safer to self-sabotage than to risk experiencing rejection.
For a long time, I used alcohol as a way to navigate social situations. It gave me a temporary escape from my own self-doubt, allowing me to play the part of someone a little more confident, more fun, more ‘worthy’ of attention in my mind. But that wasn’t the real me, and I’d feel ashamed for the way I showed up at times, and anxious about the ‘inevitable’ rejection I would experience when someone saw me the way I really am: unlovable and disappointing in my mind. So I would retreat again, reinforcing the very loneliness I was trying to escape.
I know I’m not alone in this experience. Many of us who have felt socially anxious, shy, or unworthy of connection will recognise this cycle of hope and hesitation, longing and fear. The belief that we are not ‘enough’ can shape the way we interact with others, sometimes leading to misunderstandings and missed opportunities. But the truth is, we are already enough, just as we are.
If you find yourself feeling disconnected this Valentine’s Day, remember: you are not alone in your experience. Meaningful connection isn’t about being more confident, more outgoing, or more ‘perfect’—it’s about allowing yourself to be seen and accepted as you truly are. Perhaps today, you can offer yourself a small act of kindness—a moment of self-compassion, a gentle reminder that you are already worthy of love, exactly as you are.
