“Everyone Does It” – Just Because It’s ‘Normal’ Doesn’t Mean It’s Fair

Sometimes, in relationships—whether friendships, family, work, or dating—something doesn’t sit right. Someone cancels plans last minute without apology. A friend jokes at your expense in a way that feels uncomfortable. A colleague constantly interrupts you in meetings.

When you express discomfort, the response might be:

• “That’s just how people are.”
• “Everyone does it.”
• “You’re overthinking it.”

These phrases are often meant to reassure, but they can also dismiss. They suggest that because something is normal, you should be fine with it. That if you’re uncomfortable, the problem lies with you—not the situation.

But should you be fine with it?

When ‘Normal’ Doesn’t Mean Fair

Many relational behaviours are framed as normal, but that doesn’t mean they are fair, kind, or respectful. Some common examples include:

• Avoiding accountability – Saying “everyone forgets things” when repeatedly dismissing something important to you.
• Emotional disengagement – Responding to vulnerability with “most people wouldn’t make a big deal out of this”.
• Stonewalling or withdrawal – Refusing to communicate but insisting “this is just how I deal with things”.
• Disrespecting boundaries – Laughing off a request for space or consideration with “you’re being too sensitive”.
• Inconsistency – Expecting you to be there for them but being “too busy” to reciprocate when you need support.

In these cases, ‘normal’ is often an expectation that benefits one person at the expense of another. The message becomes: This is how I am, so you should adjust. But healthy relationships involve mutual understanding—not just one person deciding the terms.

Noticing the Pressure to Accept What Feels Wrong

If you’ve ever doubted yourself in these situations, you’re not alone. Many of us have learned to dismiss our discomfort because we assume that if most people seem fine with something, we must be overreacting.

But instead of asking “Why can’t I handle this?”, try asking:

• “Does this feel okay to me?”
• “Is this a relationship where my needs matter too?”
• “Would I want someone I care about to accept this dynamic?”

These questions help separate external expectations from internal truth. Just because something is common doesn’t mean it’s healthy or right for you.

Trusting Your Own Experience

It’s easy to get caught in the idea that challenging ‘normal’ means creating conflict. But questioning a dynamic doesn’t mean making accusations or forcing someone to change—it simply means recognising what you need and acting accordingly.

That might look like:

• Acknowledging your feelings – Giving yourself permission to trust that something feels off.
• Exploring what feels right for you – Considering what kind of relationships feel nourishing and balanced.
• Making choices based on self-respect – Deciding where to place your energy rather than trying to convince others to change.

If someone says, “Everyone does it”, you don’t need to argue. You can simply acknowledge that, for you, that’s not enough reason to accept something that doesn’t feel okay.

We all deserve relationships where we feel valued, heard, and considered. If something isn’t working for you, that’s reason enough to pause and reflect. Because in the end, the question isn’t “Why can’t I handle this?”, but “Why should I have to?”.