Fi’s story: How exercise helped me to reduce feelings of anxiety

Since a young age I believed that I was not smart enough. This belief followed me for a long time. I feared I was different from the others as I felt it took me a long time to learn new things. Last year, I discovered the reason for this is that I am dyslexic and I process information a little slower than others. Whilst at school, I tried to see the good in everything and everyone, despite not seeing this in myself and not feeling good enough. I surrounded myself with a small group of friends who stuck with me throughout childhood, making me feel like every other ‘normal’ girl.

In the first few years of school, I tried to make lots of friends, even though I was sometimes bullied for looking different. Some children would call me goofy amongst other things. Part of me hoped that they were just joking, and I tried to brush it off. Later in life I realised that, unconsciously, I had taken it all personally.

Through secondary school, the feeling of not being good enough and not worthy became deeply rooted inside me. I started wearing make-up, as many young women do now days, to give me confidence. I believed that if I looked good then I would be worthy. Part of me knew that I was a confident and intelligent lady, but those positive words were silenced. I let those who wanted to hurt me rule my brain and take my self-worth from me. Over time I forgot who I was inside.

Throughout my childhood, I loved PE. I even joined a football team which gave me so much joy. After a while I started to feel that I wasn’t even good enough for that and I stopped going. The feelings of anxiety won.

Moving on a few years, I gave birth to my beautiful daughter Caitlin, now 13. After the pregnancy I felt so uncomfortable in my own skin, I felt so over weight. I tried so hard to keep myself looking good as once again I felt that it was only my appearance that would make me worthy. I was so scared that people would not see me as good enough, if I didn’t try to look my best even with a little girl to look after. I went through years of pain, being told over and over that I was not good enough. This time it was said to my face and not just in my head. Over time it was drilled into me, and each time I believed it more and more. I allowed myself to be physically and mentally abused. The voice in my head that knew I was a strong, independent woman, was silenced by my belief that I was only worthy of an abusive relationship. Because of this I kept going back.

To make myself feel better, I would run and I also started a home work-out DVD. I would continuously clean the house which kept me fit and I soon lost the weight I wanted to lose. I started to feel more confident in my own skin and would constantly be looking in the mirror for even the smallest bit of meat on me, and when I did, I would spiral into a cycle of depression and feelings of anxiety. I lost too much weight and started to look ill. The exercise gave me such a rush but wasn’t the best way to deal with everything.

I started to go to my local gym once a week and began to understand the importance of weight training to go alongside my cardio. I learnt so much and really enjoyed it. I noticed that my strength was increasing, and I was building healthy muscles whilst staying trim. As I got used to going, I started to enjoy the workouts. I was no longer focusing on how I looked but became immersed in how much fun it was and the joy it gave me. And then I would go back to my abuser… at home, the continuous psychological abuse made want to quit the gym. My time at the gym made me feel like a whole new person, and I started believing in myself again. Over time, I remembered who I was. The strong, independent Fi, started to re-emerge. I found new strength and changed my life for the better.

Over the past two years, I have been working on myself and planting the seeds of a self-worth and confidence. I found that exercise has given me a new lease of life, proving me with a way to access the strength I needed to succeed in life. Not only has it helped me mentally, but has had such amazing physical effects too.

I believe each of us has a warrior deep inside, waiting to come out. I would recommend finding a positive outlet that suits you. For me, it was exercise that rebuilt my strength and now, as a personal trainer and fitness instructor, I help other people to rebuild their strength too. Through my new business, I help people who feel anxious and depressed to start using exercise to grow their confidence.