How to Ask for Support When You Feel Dysregulated – and How Others Can Recognise the Signs

When your nervous system feels overwhelmed, it can seem like you’re no longer in control of how you respond to the world around you. Whether you’re experiencing the fight-or-flight response, freezing up, or feeling like you’re collapsing, reaching out for help can feel difficult. But what if those around you could recognise the signs of dysregulation and offer the gentle support you need to return to balance?

By understanding how dysregulation looks in the moment, we can invite those we trust to support us in ways that feel safe and calming. When others know how to offer support, it can make all the difference in helping us come back to ourselves.

How to Recognise Nervous System Dysregulation

Dysregulation happens when our nervous system is no longer in a state of calm and connection. Instead, we can feel pulled into states of overwhelm, making it hard to think or respond rationally. These states can be subtle or obvious, and often don’t match how we might appear on the outside. For many of us, it can feel like we’re spiralling out of control or losing touch with the present moment.

Here are a few ways dysregulation might show up:

• Fight: Restlessness, irritability, a sense of agitation, tension, or snapping.
• Flight: A strong urge to leave, fidgeting, feeling trapped, or an inability to focus.
• Freeze: Zoning out, feeling numb, struggling to speak, blanking out, or holding your breath.
• Collapse (Shutdown): Low energy, feeling drained, disengaged, disconnected from surroundings, or unable to move.

These states are automatic responses to perceived threat, even if the threat isn’t clear or immediate. You may find yourself in a dysregulated state without being fully aware of it, which makes it even more challenging to ask for help.

How Others Can Support You in the Moment

When we feel dysregulated, it’s difficult to think our way back to calm. Instead, we need gentle, body-based cues to tell our nervous system that it’s safe to settle. Having someone around who can offer support in the right way can help bring us back to the present moment faster.

If you have trusted people in your life, it can be helpful to talk to them about what support looks like for you in these moments. When we feel overwhelmed, here are a few ways others can help:

1. Bringing You Back to the Present Moment

When the nervous system is dysregulated, it can feel like we’re floating away from the present. Grounding techniques can help anchor us back:

• Naming things in the environment: Asking you to name five things you can see or hear.
• Using texture or temperature: Holding something cool or warm in your hands, or touching a soft surface.
• Gentle movement: A slow walk or a stretch can help the body reconnect with the present.

2. Using a Calm, Steady Presence

When we’re dysregulated, a soft, grounded voice can help reassure us. Sometimes, it’s not about what someone says, but the tone they use. A slow, calm voice with a steady presence can create a sense of safety. You might appreciate statements like:

• “I’m here with you.”
• “Take your time. No rush.”
• “You’re not alone in this.”

Sometimes, simply having someone near who isn’t trying to ‘fix’ anything can be incredibly soothing.

3. Offering Calming Touch (If You’re Comfortable)

For some, gentle touch can help regulate the nervous system. This could look like:

• Placing a hand on the back or shoulder (if that feels comfortable).
• Holding hands or gently squeezing the arm.
• Using a weighted blanket or cushion for a sense of pressure and safety.

Safe touch can activate our social engagement system, helping the nervous system shift from a state of alert to calm. It’s important to ask what feels right for you, as touch may not always be the best option for everyone.

4. Helping with Breath and Rhythm

Breathing exercises can feel frustrating if you’re panicked, but steady, rhythmic movements can help your nervous system reset. You might find it helpful if someone encourages you to:

• Take slow, long breaths together.
• Sway gently back and forth to a rhythm.
• Tap a slow, calming rhythm (on your hand or on a surface).

These kinds of activities can help settle your body and bring you back into the present. A rhythmic movement or a deep breath can signal to the nervous system that it’s safe to come back down.

5. Respecting the Need for Space or Connection

Not everyone responds to dysregulation in the same way. Some people may need a little space to settle, while others might need more connection. It’s helpful to communicate in advance what feels supportive for you. You can let others know that:

• A quiet presence might be exactly what you need, and that’s okay.
• Gentle encouragement to move or speak might be comforting if you’re feeling disconnected.

How to Ask for Support Before You Need It

It can feel difficult to ask for help in the midst of a dysregulated moment, but when you’re in a calm space, it’s easier to express your needs. You might find it helpful to have a conversation with someone you trust, sharing how they can support you when things get overwhelming.

Here’s how you might approach this:

1. Describe what happens for you
2. Let them know what helps
3. Offer simple actions they can take

This might sounds like:

• “When I feel overwhelmed, sometimes I freeze up and can’t speak or move much. It helps if someone stays with me and doesn’t rush me.”
• “If I get restless, it’s helpful if you suggest we go for a walk or sit together for a moment.”
• “When I start to shut down, it really helps if someone asks me to take a deep breath or gently reminds me of my surroundings.”

These conversations don’t need to be long or complicated. Just a few sentences can help those around you feel confident in offering the support you need.

Dysregulation can be unsettling, but connection is a powerful way to bring us back to balance. The people in your life likely want to support you, but they might not always know how. By recognising the signs of dysregulation and sharing what support looks like for you, you can create spaces where gentle co-regulation can happen.

And if you’re still figuring out what helps, that’s perfectly okay. It’s a journey, and with patience, curiosity, and connection, you can discover what works best for you. In our Quiet Connections community, we create calm spaces where quiet, sensitive people can come together, share experiences, and find the support they need – just as they are.