Understanding Why We Freeze or Fawn When We Feel Unsafe

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you wanted to say “no” or express your thoughts but felt completely unable to? You’re not alone. This is a common experience, especially among those of us who are quiet, introverted, or sensitive. Understanding why this happens and learning to approach it with self-compassion can help us navigate these moments more gently. 

The Purpose of Freeze and Fawn

When we feel threatened or unsafe, our bodies naturally react in ways designed to protect us. This is part of the “fight, flight, freeze, or fawn” response, a survival mechanism that has been with us since ancient times. While fighting or fleeing are more active responses, freezing and fawning can be automatic reactions when our bodies decide that staying still or appeasing might be the safest options.

These freeze and fawn responses can be triggered by a variety of situations—being confronted unexpectedly, feeling overwhelmed in social settings, or facing a demanding person. For quiet people, these triggers might be more pronounced due to our heightened sensitivity to our surroundings.

What the Freeze and Fawn Responses Look Like

Understanding what the freeze and fawn responses look like can help us recognise these behaviours in ourselves and others. Here’s a closer look at how each response might manifest:

The Freeze Response

The freeze response occurs when we feel threatened or overwhelmed, and our body instinctively decides that staying still might be the safest option. This response can show up in various ways:

1. Inability to Speak: You might find yourself wanting to say something but being physically unable to get the words out. It feels as if your mind has gone blank, and you’re unable to express your thoughts or feelings.
2. Feeling Stuck or Paralysed: You may feel physically or mentally frozen, unable to move or make decisions. This can happen in situations where you feel overwhelmed, such as during a confrontation or in a crowded social setting.
3. Dissociation: Sometimes, freezing can involve mentally disconnecting from the situation. You might feel detached from your surroundings or as if you’re observing the situation from a distance.
4. Lack of Immediate Reaction: In situations where a quick response is expected, you might freeze up and be unable to react. This could lead to missed opportunities to assert yourself or protect your boundaries.

The Fawn Response

The fawn response, on the other hand, involves trying to appease or please the person or situation that feels threatening. This is often an unconscious attempt to avoid conflict or danger by making yourself more agreeable or compliant. The fawn response can look like:

1. People-Pleasing: You might go out of your way to accommodate others’ needs or desires, even when it goes against your own wishes. This can include saying “yes” to requests you’d rather decline or agreeing with opinions you don’t actually share.
2. Avoiding Conflict: To keep the peace, you might suppress your own feelings and opinions, avoiding any actions or words that could lead to disagreement or tension.
3. Over-Apologising: In an effort to smooth things over, you may find yourself apologising excessively, even when you haven’t done anything wrong. This is a way of diffusing potential conflict by taking the blame, even unnecessarily.
4. Neglecting Your Own Needs: You might prioritise others’ comfort and happiness over your own, often without realising it. This can lead to feelings of resentment or burnout, as your own needs go unmet.

The Emotional Impact of Freezing and Fawning

Freezing or fawning can leave us feeling frustrated and disappointed with ourselves. We might replay the situation over and over in our minds, wondering why we couldn’t just say what we wanted to or why we agreed to something we didn’t want. This self-criticism, however, only adds to our stress and anxiety. 

It’s important to remember that these responses are not signs of weakness or failure. They are natural reactions that have evolved to protect us. Recognising this can help us be kinder to ourselves when we do freeze or fawn.

Self-Compassion: A Key to Understanding

When we approach our freeze and fawn responses with self-compassion, we allow ourselves to understand and accept our reactions without judgment. Here are a few ways to practise self-compassion in these moments:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s okay to feel scared, anxious, or overwhelmed. These feelings are valid and real.
2. Speak Kindly to Yourself: Instead of criticising yourself for freezing or fawning, try saying something supportive. For example, “It’s alright that I couldn’t speak up. I was feeling unsafe, and my body was trying to protect me.”
3. Reflect Without Blame: Think about the situation and what made you feel unsafe. Understanding the triggers can help you prepare for similar situations in the future.

Building Assertiveness Gently

Learning to be assertive, especially when we are naturally quiet, is a gradual process. It’s about finding ways to express ourselves that feel safe and authentic. Here are some gentle steps to help you start:

1. Start Small: Practise saying “no” or expressing your opinion in low-stakes situations. This could be as simple as choosing what movie to watch with friends or deciding where to go for lunch.
2. Prepare and Rehearse: Before entering situations where you might need to be assertive, take a moment to plan what you want to say. Practising in front of a mirror or with a trusted friend can also help.
3. Use ‘I’ Statements: When expressing your feelings or needs, frame them as “I” statements. For example, “I feel uncomfortable when…” or “I need some time to think about this.”
4. Seek Support: It can be incredibly helpful to connect with others who understand your experiences. Joining a supportive community, like Quiet Connections, can provide you with encouragement and solidarity as you practise assertiveness.

You’re Not Alone

Remember, you are not alone in experiencing the freeze and fawn responses. Many people go through similar challenges, perhaps especially those of us who are quieter or more sensitive. Freezing up or fawning is not a sign that something is wrong with you. It’s simply a part of being human. By approaching ourselves with kindness and understanding, we can create a safe space to grow and learn. By being gentle with ourselves and each other, we foster a sense of belonging and empowerment.