Lowering Our Armour: Gently Releasing Our Shame Shields

Shame can feel like an invisible barrier, keeping us small, disconnected, and unseen. For those of us who are naturally quiet—whether introverted, sensitive, or experiencing social anxiety—shame can be tied to feeling like we don’t quite fit in a world that often rewards loudness and confidence.

We might have heard messages like “You need to speak up more” or “You’re too quiet”, leaving us with a sense that who we are isn’t enough. Over time, we develop ways to protect ourselves from these feelings. We hide parts of ourselves, overcompensate, or hold back from the connection we truly want.

Brené Brown’s research helps us understand these protective strategies, which she calls shame shields and armouring behaviours. Recognising them can be the first gentle step toward releasing them—allowing us to show up more fully as ourselves, with a sense of belonging and ease.

What Are Shame Shields?

A shame shield is how we instinctively react when we feel exposed or at risk of rejection. Brown describes three main types:

• Moving Away – Retreating into silence, avoiding people, or shutting down emotionally.
• Moving Toward – People-pleasing, over-apologising, or trying to ‘earn’ acceptance.
• Moving Against – Becoming defensive, sarcastic, or pushing people away before they can hurt us.

For quiet people, these shields often develop in response to feeling misunderstood or out of place.

Imagine you’re in a group conversation, and someone jokingly points out how quiet you’ve been. You might:

• Move Away by smiling awkwardly but saying nothing, wanting the moment to pass unnoticed.
• Move Toward by forcing yourself to say something, even if you don’t want to, just to avoid seeming rude.
• Move Against by making a sharp comment like, “Maybe if people had something interesting to say, I’d talk more.”

None of these responses are wrong—they’re simply ways we try to protect ourselves from shame. But over time, these shields can reinforce disconnection, keeping us from being truly seen and valued.

What Are Armouring Behaviours?

If shame shields are our immediate reactions, armouring behaviours are the longer-term strategies we develop to avoid feeling vulnerable in the first place.

Some common forms of armour include:

• Perfectionism – Feeling like we have to be ‘good enough’ before we can show up. For quiet people, this might mean preparing the ‘perfect’ thing to say before speaking, or only joining in when we feel certain we won’t say something awkward.
• Numbing – Avoiding discomfort by retreating into distractions, like scrolling, reading, or staying busy, instead of engaging in real connection.
• Foreboding Joy – Holding back from feeling fully happy or connected because it feels temporary or unsafe, like waiting for the moment something will go wrong.

These protective behaviours make sense. They feel safe. But they also keep us distant—from ourselves and from others.

How Can We Gently Begin to Lower Our Shields?

Letting go of shame shields and armour doesn’t mean suddenly becoming more outspoken or forcing ourselves into uncomfortable situations. It’s about recognising when we’re protecting ourselves in ways that no longer serve us—and taking small, compassionate steps toward greater connection.

Here are some ways to begin:

1. Notice without Judgement
   Start by simply recognising when a shield or armour shows up. Are you withdrawing in a conversation? Over-apologising? Overthinking every response? Instead of criticising yourself, try gently acknowledging it: “Ah, I’m using my moving away shield right now. That makes sense—I’m feeling vulnerable.”

2. Ask Yourself What You Need
   Instead of acting on autopilot, pause and ask: What would help me feel safe right now? Maybe it’s grounding yourself before speaking, reminding yourself you don’t need to be ‘perfect’, or offering yourself kindness instead of criticism.

3. Take Tiny Steps Toward Authenticity
   Rather than forcing yourself into big changes, experiment with small moments of honesty. If you usually stay silent, try expressing one thought in a conversation. If you tend to people-please, practice saying “actually, I’d prefer this” in low-pressure situations.

4. Let Yourself Be Seen, Little by Little
   Being open and authentic doesn’t mean oversharing or being someone you’re not. It’s about allowing more of your true self to show up in a way that feels safe. Maybe that’s sharing a quiet passion with someone or choosing to connect with people who appreciate your presence as it is.

5. Find Spaces Where You Feel Safe to Belong
   One of the most powerful ways to lower our shields is to surround ourselves with people who make us feel accepted, rather than tolerated. Spaces like Quiet Connections exist so that you don’t have to ‘perform’ to belong. You are already enough.

Softening Our Armour, Strengthening Our Belonging

We don’t need to be louder to be worthy of connection. We don’t need to prove ourselves or protect ourselves at every turn. When we slowly lower our shields and soften our armour, we create space for the right people to truly see us—for who we already are.

What’s one small step you could take today toward allowing yourself to be seen? We’d love to explore this with you. You’re not alone.