You’re Not a Bother: Friendship Requires Us to Show Up

Have you ever wanted to reach out to someone but hesitated because you weren’t sure if they’d want to hear from you? Maybe you assumed they were too busy or already had enough friends. Perhaps you worried you’d be interrupting or imposing. So, instead of sending the message or making the call, you told yourself, I’ll wait until they reach out first.

This is a common experience for quieter people. Many of us are thoughtful, reflective, and sensitive to the needs of others—which is a beautiful thing. But sometimes, that thoughtfulness turns into overthinking. Instead of allowing friendships to unfold naturally, we start second-guessing whether we’re wanted. We don’t want to ‘bother’ anyone, so we hold back.

And yet, real friendship isn’t about never imposing. In fact, it often requires the very thing we’re afraid to do—showing up, even when it feels a little messy.

The Fear of Being an Inconvenience

For many of us, the worry about being a bother comes from a deeper place. It can be tied to experiences of feeling overlooked, not fitting in, or believing we must earn our place in people’s lives. We may assume that others are more socially capable, more confident, or more in demand, leaving little room for us.

This can lead to a cycle of self-protection:

• We don’t reach out because we assume others don’t need us.
• We avoid making plans because we fear rejection.
• We tell ourselves we’re fine on our own (even when we’re not).

But here’s the truth: most people, even those who seem socially ‘sorted,’ want more connection too. They may also be waiting for an invitation, hoping someone else will reach out first.

Why Friendship Requires a Little ‘Imposition’

There’s a quote that puts this perfectly:

“That’s why it’s hard to make friends when you’re older,” she said. “Friendship is rude.”

“What?”

“Think about it! When we’re kids, we decide who we like and stick by them no matter what. As adults, we’re taught to be polite. But, friendship is an imposition—at least, I want it to be. Call me after nine o’clock. Don’t think you’ll ever wear out your welcome. Overshare, show up at my door, go to the grocery store with me so we can waste another hour chatting. We’ll never be friends if we spend all of our energy trying not to bother each other.” – Laura Clift

This might feel counterintuitive. We’ve been taught that being a good friend means respecting space, not intruding, and waiting for invitations. And of course, there’s a balance—we’re not talking about overstepping boundaries or ignoring someone’s need for alone time.

But in trying so hard not to impose, we sometimes forget that friendship thrives on presence, not just politeness. The strongest connections aren’t built on perfect timing and well-planned meet-ups. They grow in the everyday moments—the quick check-ins, the unexpected visits, the casual “fancy a walk?” messages.

You Are Not an Afterthought

One of the biggest lies our minds tell us is that we are at the bottom of someone’s priority list. That we don’t matter as much as others. That people only spend time with us if they have no better option.

But if you’ve ever felt this way, take a moment to consider: Have you ever been happy when someone reached out to you? Have you ever appreciated a friend’s message, even if it was unexpected?

Chances are, the answer is yes. And if that’s true for you, it’s true for others too. People appreciate connection. They may not always be available in the moment, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to hear from you.

Taking Small Steps Towards Connection

If you tend to hold back in friendships, here are some small, gentle ways to start shifting your approach:

• Send the message – Even if it’s just a “Hey, thinking of you!” or a meme that made you smile.
• Extend an invitation – It doesn’t have to be a big event. A walk, a coffee, or even running errands together can be meaningful.
• Be honest – If you’re feeling disconnected, it’s okay to say, “I miss catching up. Let’s find a time soon.”
• Act as if you are wanted – Instead of assuming you’re a bother, assume that your presence is valuable and get curious about what happens then.

Friendship Needs Us to Show Up

We all need reminders that we are not an inconvenience. That our friendships are strengthened when we stop overthinking and start showing up. That connection isn’t about waiting for the perfect moment—it’s about creating space for each other in everyday life.

So, who could you reach out to today? Who might be waiting for a message just like yours?

Because friendship isn’t about never imposing. It’s about never making each other feel alone.