Empowered Choices: Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships

Sometimes we find ourselves holding on to a relationship that we know, deep down, is hurting us. It’s not easy to let go, especially when we care deeply about someone. We might cling to the hope that things will change, that the relationship will become what we need it to be, and that the person we’re with will show up in the way we long for. But that hope can keep us stuck in a cycle of hurt, preventing us from healing and creating space for something better—for ourselves and the potential of a truly supportive relationship.

Why Do We Hold On?

There are many reasons we might find ourselves staying in a relationship that no longer serves us or are causing us pain. Some of these reasons come from deeply ingrained patterns of thinking, shaped by both our experiences and our beliefs.

Attachment Insecurity

One reason is attachment insecurity. Research by Hazan and Shaver suggests that when we’ve experienced unavailable or emotionally distant relationships, as many of us have, we may develop an anxious attachment style. This means we can become overly focused on maintaining a relationship, even when it’s harmful, because the fear of losing it feels more overwhelming than the pain of staying. It feels safer to remain in the familiar discomfort than to risk the uncertainty of letting go.

Fear of Being Alone

One of the most common reasons people stay in unhealthy relationships is the fear of loneliness. We might tell ourselves, “At least I have someone,” and worry that being on our own means failing in some way. Society often promotes the idea that being in a relationship is a sign of success, which can make the idea of leaving feel like giving up.

But being alone can be one of the most empowering steps we take. It’s an opportunity to reconnect with ourselves, to discover what truly brings us joy and peace. Solitude, far from being a failure, can help us grow and heal, preparing us for the possibility of healthier relationships in the future.

A Sense of Obligation or Guilt

Another reason we may hold on is the sense of obligation or guilt. We might feel responsible for the other person’s wellbeing, especially if they rely on us emotionally. We could feel as though we’re abandoning them if we leave, even if our own needs are being neglected.

It’s important to remember that healthy relationships are mutual. They’re not about one person constantly giving while the other takes (or perhaps gives certain things but withholds what is needed). Letting go of this sense of guilt and recognising that we deserve to prioritise our own wellbeing can be a key part of moving forward.

Low Self-Esteem

When we don’t feel worthy of better treatment, it’s easy to stay in a relationship where we’re not valued. Low self-esteem can lead us to believe that we don’t deserve a healthy, loving relationship, especially if we’ve been in situations where we’ve been criticised or dismissed. We may think the problem lies with us, not the relationship.

Rebuilding our self-worth is a powerful step. When we practise self-compassion and learn to value ourselves, we start to see that we deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. This opens the door to healthier, more fulfilling connections.

Cognitive Dissonance and the Sunk Cost Fallacy

Psychologically, we often struggle to reconcile the reality of a harmful relationship with our belief that it should be good. This internal conflict, known as cognitive dissonance, leads us to rationalise or excuse unhealthy behaviours, rather than face the painful truth.

Related to this is the sunk cost fallacy. We might stay in a relationship simply because we’ve already invested so much time, effort, or emotional energy into it. It feels like walking away would mean losing everything we’ve put in, even though staying only prolongs the pain.

Hope for Change

Hope can be a powerful force. Sometimes, we stay because we believe things will improve—that the person we’re with will change, or that we can fix the relationship. Even brief moments of kindness, promises, or positive behaviour can keep us holding on, despite the ongoing hurt.

It’s natural to want to believe in the best, but it’s important to recognise when hope is keeping us stuck. Lasting change requires commitment from both people—not just to be together or remain faithful, but to actively cultivate love, connection and growth together—and if that commitment isn’t there, it may be time to let go.

Social Pressure and Stigma

Cultural and social expectations can also make it difficult to leave. We might fear judgement from friends or family, especially if there are shared social circles or family ties. Society often places a lot of value on being in a relationship, making the idea of leaving seem shameful or stigmatised.

But our relationships are personal, and what matters most is that they are healthy and fulfilling for us. Letting go of external pressures and choosing what’s right for our own wellbeing is an important act of self-care.

The Joy of Letting Go

Letting go of a relationship that no longer serves us is incredibly difficult, but it’s also an act of self-love. When we release something that is painful, we create space—space for healing, for meeting our own needs, and for inviting healthier, more supportive relationships into our lives.

When we finally create that space, it’s like clearing out the overgrown parts of a garden. At first, it may feel bare and unfamiliar, but soon, new things begin to grow. We start focusing on ourselves, learning what brings us peace and joy, and developing our own sense of worth. This act of self-compassion, as researcher Kristin Neff points out, is key to healing and building resilience. When we treat ourselves with kindness and understanding, we foster the inner strength needed to move forward.

By letting go, we also create the possibility for healthier connections in the future. Research on relationship satisfaction shows that when we practise self-care and have a strong sense of self, we’re more likely to form fulfilling, nurturing relationships. This is because we’re no longer looking for someone to complete or validate us—we’re seeking mutual support, growth, and connection.

Embracing the Future

It’s natural to fear the unknown, but when we let go of unhealthy relationships, we open ourselves up to new possibilities. We allow ourselves to seek connections that are based on mutual care, trust, and respect—relationships where we feel seen, heard, and valued.

Letting go isn’t a failure. It’s a step towards honouring our own needs and creating space for the kind of love and connection we truly deserve. It’s a recognition that we are enough as we are, and that we deserve relationships that help us flourish as our true, beautiful selves.

As we release what no longer serves us, we create room for the joy, peace, and connection that await us. It’s a brave step, but one that holds the promise of a future where we are free to nurture ourselves and cultivate healthier relationships that allow us to grow and thrive. You deserve that space. You deserve that joy. And you have the power to create it.