Cognitive Cows, by Michael Mules

Thinking. I do this activity a lot; in fact I think most of us do. Why? As humans we like to think about the smallest of details. Dear reader, I find myself getting stuck in a tangle of thoughts, and I’m wondering if this is just a me problem or a you problem too?.

With this in mind, I invite you to stop, and just feel the ground beneath you, or where you are sitting, and be fully immersed by those sensations… It’s not easy is it? To connect with your environment and be fully present?

When Thinking Becomes the Enemy

When writing this, I know I’m not coming from the best mental state: an example of how thinking can sometimes be my biggest enemy. The problem is, I can get so focused on the negative consequences of what could be, and not what is happening now in the present…I find myself wondering if you are feeling the same way.

Part of being human is the thinking process and I’m wondering, dear reader, if you like I can find yourself getting lost in the whirlwind of persistent ‘what if’s?’ But, be encouraged, because we can all learn to be mindful of what we are thinking about. Rather than letting your thoughts naturally give into chaos without resistance, we can all break our negative thinking patterns and connect to what is real and what is now?

A Check-In

So what is now for you dear reader? What are you feeling in your body right now? What is it telling you? Is it telling you that you are safe within this space? If not, what can you do? Where can you find comfort? Consider your senses, is it in the taste of the Victoria Sponge? (Looks lovely by the way). Is it in the texture of your favourite pair of your well worn trainers? Is it in the smell of your favourite cup of coffee? Is it within your headphones listening to your favourite piece of music? Or is it in the sight of your loved ones? Whatever you are feeling, try to welcome these as gentle interruptions to your thoughts.

As I sit on my green sofa feeling the cushion underneath me, supporting me, I notice a slight awkward awareness of my terrible posture and the way I am typing this. My mind is also racing with thoughts. These thoughts are, but not limited to:

‘Am I writing something people want to read? Am I good enough to write a blog for Quiet Connections? What must the person reading this think of me? (Hello) I should really eat some breakfast; I should be at the table whilst typing this; do I have time to do this now? I should really be writing proposals for other work and what the hell is going to happen on Monday?’

As you can tell, these thoughts are all over the place and not focused on just one thing, but a large tangle of unconnected wonderings, most unhelpful to me.

Would You Like to Know a Little Bit About Me?

You may not know who I am, the writer of this post. My name is Michael, I am a conceptual artist and I try to avoid an eraser whenever I can. This, and my recent training in person-centred counselling informs my thinking. I try to embody the practice of drawing, creating and thinking freely. I’m very aware it is frivolous to imagine we can control our thoughts, feelings and body sensations. However, in my life I have found a way to live with these. To allow them to be there, but to steer my reality to be informed by my surroundings rather than what could be.

I’ve just turned 28, and for most of that time I have been lucky enough to have lived in the same place. This plant nursery is where I call home. Unfortunately, my interest in plants or gardening is nonexistent. It does inspire my art though, so that’s a small win.

What We Can Learn from Cows

Opposite my house and the nursery, there are a few farms. I am looking out at one of their fields now. Dear reader let me paint you a picture. In the field, there is a herd of cows. They are just going about their cow business without a second thought. The cows are all aware of each other, but they do not seem to be that bothered by one another’s existence.

Do cows have thoughts? (Go with me on this) Yes, but would we as humans recognise these as what we consider thoughts? I guess what I’m trying to say is, are the cows thinking about what they need to do next? Or what the hell is going to happen on Monday?

To be honest, no one really knows what happens in cows’ heads. However, I would like to believe that they are always in the present moment. They are able to fulfil their needs without worrying about the consequences of their decisions. We could learn a lot from the cows, and their ability to just be content, with themselves and with one another.

Connection and Belonging

Dear reader, I think now is the time to start talking about the importance of connection and how humans were originally pack animals. This is hard for me to believe. I have always been quite happy in my own company and space. To be honest dear reader, most people scare the living daylights out of me. This in part is due to the beliefs and values I perceive others must have about me. What do they think of me? Do they see me or just a disability? This has been part of my own tapestry of negative thinking, and over the past couple of years, I’ve been challenging myself to push beyond this.

Since I started volunteering at Quiet Connections, I have noticed a large change in myself and how I view connecting with others. This change for me has been quite gradual, but when I started at Quiet Connections, I was quiet, isolated, slightly depressed and full of anxiety. For the first few sessions, I desperately tried to be someone I am not, just to fit in. I needed others’ approval to feel worthy. However, over the coming weeks, I met some people I felt connected to, and eventually tried this ’being yourself’ thing. It was very hard at first due to the fact I had been trying my hardest to be whatever other people needed or expected me to be.

I had to ask a very tough, but important question: “Who is Michael and what does Michael want?”

I’m still not completely sure, and I’m not sure I ever will be; but I “think” I have the core tenants of Michael. In no particular order these are: kindness, empathy, humour, love and compassion. I know, I know these are all quite basic, but it gives me a structure to build my life around. When I am stuck in my head I often remind myself of these.

Final Thoughts

Dear reader, we are reaching the end of our time together. I’ve enjoyed writing this, and hope at least it has given you a break from whatever you were doing or whatever was on your mind. So, with that said, I would leave you with this.

Thoughts are just thoughts, and unfortunately you cannot control them, but you have the ability to connect with them, how they make you feel, and the actions you take because of them. As I like to say:

“Just stay in the river,” and know you are enough just as you are.

It doesn’t matter what’s going to happen on Monday, because all that matters is now. I guess what I’m trying to say dear reader is, be more COW.

Thank you to Hayley and Quiet Connections for letting me write this, it is truly an honour . Thank you to my mother who read this whole thing through and helped untangle the dyslexia in my writing, and thank you to Indy Roberts for helping me edit the final draft of this blog post. Finally, and most importantly, thank you dear reader for going on this journey with me. If you would like to meet me in person, I volunteer for Quiet Connections at Trelya, The Lescudjack Centre in Penzance on Thursday afternoon between 1pm and 3pm. I’ll be the one in the very bright shirt.